The Teal Pumpkin Incident (Or, how I got thrown out of my mommy's group)

The Teal Pumpkin Incident

(Or, how I got thrown out of the “Mommy's Group” that I founded)

Ahhhh, Mommy's Groups. They're in no shortage on Facebook & MeetUp and I think they're a hugely successful resource for bringing and kids together for all kinds of entertaining activities and social interaction, if only it weren't for the moms. Ohhh, the moms.

When I started the group, I had some lofty intentions – all kinds of playing with a purpose, a welcoming group for moms and children of all ages, messy crafts, play ground play dates, summer swimming... it was going to be so much fun! And it was!!

A group that wasn't based on any specific religion or strict parenting style, a group where all things fun could be celebrated, moms could be supported, kids could have fun... but all good things must come to an end and after almost 2 years, my life was busy and I could no longer organize the group, so I passed the torch, so to speak.

The new organizer struggled against the peanut nazi assistant organizer, cliques formed, it was so awesome – just like high school all over again. It was a sad state and I wasn't as interested as I had been previously... but I chugged along, toting my 3 year old daughter to occasional play dates, just to stay in touch.

Until the Teal Pumpkin Incident.

This is how I got unceremoniously thrown out of the mommy group that I'd originally founded and built, deemed “dangerous”, and had moms running scared, in fear for their children who would surely be “unsafe” in my presence.

A girl I knew posted on Facebook about this wonderful Teal Pumpkin Project idea, it was such a wonderful way to make kids everywhere be able to enjoy the sacred and solemn night of Halloween – and all you had to do to show your participation was to paint your pumpkin teal and show it off at your door – all of the children in your town would be welcome to a wholesome, allergy free, diabetic friendly, non-food, piece of shit garbage treat like a cheap sticker or pencil or some god awful trinket bought in bulk from Oriental Trading – you know, the crap you immediately throw away at home because you don't want it littering your house and because even your kid thinks it sucks.

I couldn't hold my tongue... and remarked that I didn't think anything was wrong with candy. I was the bitch who suggested parents might want to manage what their kid's Halloween loot contained and remove the items that they either did not want their child to have or that their child couldn't have.

“But think of how terribly SAD it is for the kids who can't have ANY fun on Halloween because they can't have what all the other kids have!!”

“Think of all the kids who suffer emotionally because the treats everyone else gets will be denied to them, by no fault of their own!”

“Childhood obesity is out of control – we need to help the masses!”

Now – let me say this one thing: If you have a child who truly can not have not One. Single. Thing. That is traditionally dropped into their plastic pumpkin on Halloween Night – and yet you choose to take them door to door, knowing that at the end of the night you're going to dump the entire contents into the trash because they can't have it – you might actually be a douchebag parent.

And of course – I said as much. That's when all hell broke loose – I said “douchebag”. (I'd say it again, actually, I do all the time.) I called a parent a potential douchebag and I made no apology.

And here's why:

If your child is diabetic and can't be handed an entire bucket of sugary candy – you will need to do your job as a parent and dispense the safe amount for your child to them.

If your child has a specific allergy and can't be handed an entire bucket of sugary candy – you will need to do your job as a parent and help sort out what they can and can't have. (That might be something they ought get familiar with anyway, I'd guess.)

If your child is at risk for childhood obesity and can't be handed an entire bucket of sugary candy – you will need to do your job as a parent and manage the amount your child is allowed to have each day.

If your child is none of the above, they probably shouldn't be handed an entire bucket of sugary candy anyway and you need to do your job as a parent to dump that shit out, snatch all the real good stuff for yourself (like the Reece's Cups and Snickers) and hide it, and then give them what you deem appropriate in the coming days – and then send the rest of that crap off to your husband's office.

Let the kids be kids. Let them run from door to door and collect candy – save the shitty plastic trinkets for the birthday party treat bags that you send guests home with. (You know, the ones the kids play with in the car on the way home and get dumped into the garage trash upon pulling in.)

I still stand by the opinion that if your child legitimately can not have one single piece of Halloween candy and you take them Trick or Treating, you're kind of a douchebag, but I don't know any kids like that, and neither do you. This was an exercise in making the Teal Pumpkin Painters feel good about themselves, nothing more, nothing less.

As a result of this Facebook conversation (which was in no way affiliated with the mommy's group, by the way) I was removed from the group – to keep the kids “safe”. Because who knows when I might go off my rocker and grind up some peanuts and blow peanut dust in the face of some innocent child in an effort to cause a deadly allergic reaction... because that's obviously where I was headed by not painting a fucking teal pumpkin.

So, I went about my business... took my little girl Trick or Treating, she had a wonderful time, I emptied her bucket at home and of course I confiscated all the good stuff – she got to have a little bit, and hubby took the rest to work. Oh – and as we Trick or Treated – I saw not one, single, solitary teal pumpkin.