Step 1: Monday evening. Time to get the old, chipped polish off. Take your cotton swabs & remover to the family room where the kids are watching a movie -- quaility time together, multitasking.
Step 2: Begin with your fingernails... get about 2 finished and then hurry and grab your supplies out of reach of the curious 11 month old who just about knocked the full container of remover in to your lap.
Step 3: Get up and find something engaging for baby -- like a plastic spoon, or an empty cereal box.
Step 4: Sit back down and re-gather supplies. Start where you left...
Step 5: Get back up -- 4 year old is thirsty *now*, even though you know she can wait a minute, no one needs to hear the endless "Moooooooooooooom, I'm soooooooo thirsty, right now!" like a broken record until the juice is delivered into her hands -- watch her take one sip and set it down. Ask if she's also hungry, while you're up.
Step 6: Sit back down and re-gather supplies. Start where you left off. Get all that nasty polish off of one hand... swipe supplies up again as quickly as possible -- 11 month old has tired of the cereal box and is coming at you for round 2.
Step 7: Set your damn supplies on the counter -- resolve to finish that crap up when the kids are in bed.
Step 8: Finish with snacks and drinks and get the 11 month old set up for bed, happy, clean, bottle, done.
Step 9: Convince 4 year old to take a bath in your bathroom "in mommy's big special tub" while you finish removing nasty, old polish.
Step 10: Successful removal has hopefully happened at this point (both finger nails AND toenails, slacker). Take note of how knarly your cuticles are and how long your toenails are -- decide you also need a good soak in the bath and some nail TLC.
Step 11: Get 4 year old out of the tub, teeth brushed, into bed -- realize you're too tired to continue your special mani/pedi -- get in bed also, pass out.
Step 12: Tuesday afternoon. Baby is asleep, 4 year old is playing alone -- get your supplies!! Start clipping those toenails, filing, pushing cuticles, moisturizing lotion, notice the dead skin on your feet, resolve to take a bath when hubby gets home and scrub that shit -- that's nasty.
Step 13: Tuesday evening. Bath time! Get the bubbles out, hair up, time to relax... sink down into the tub, listen as 4 year old disagrees with Daddy, hear tiny footsteps pounding up the stairs toward you, realize that your dumbass forgot to lock the bathroom door. Door flies open, drama resumes, bath must go on. Scrub feet while verbally resolving disagreement between 4 year old and Daddy.
Step 14: Out of the tub, hands and feet look OK, just OK, ain't nobody got time for perfection, but at least you're saving money!
Step 15: Locate your polish and decide on the perfect summer color! Take a look at the clock -- realize there is no way in hell you can properly polish everything and allow appropriate dry time before you crawl into bed and completely ruin all of your hard work. Decide to do just the clear base coat, that'll do for now.
Step 16: Wednesday morning. 4 year old has part time pre-school today -- you can polish while baby naps!!!! As he drifts off to sleep, you grab your polish and get to work! Notice that the clear base coat did get a little funky because it wasn't complete dry when you got into bed, figure the polish will cover that, who cares!
Step 17: Start with your toenails -- in case the baby wakes up, because you don't have to pick him up with your feet. But don't delay, get that polish on!
Step 18: Looks like crap, kind of, but nothing you can't fix with a few q-tips and remover. Begin to clean polish off of toes.
Step 19: Apply your second coat and repeat step 18. Admire your handy work: it's not perfect, but hell, it's your feet and no one looks that close anyway. Resolve to do a better job on your nails. Trip on the bathroom rug on your way to swap the laundry -- smear the hell out of your left big toe. Quickly apply a lumpy 3rd coat and forget about it.
Step 20: Tread lightly down the stairs as not to fuck up your partially completed pedi. Somehow get cotton ball hairs and lint stuck to the polish, roll your eyes, ignore it -- finish the laundry in time for the baby to wake up.
Step 21: Baby is fed and happy -- let's get at least ONE nail polish coat on while standing in the kitchen. DONE! Fan your hands around like a crazy prson and hope it dries "enough" so that you can soon swap out the laundry.
Step 22: Baby wiped out and bumped forehead on plastic IKEA table, caused a little pointer finger smudge, but ya gotta love on the injured child. Oh yeah, and swap the laundry -- smudge right hand ring finger, but just a little.
Step 23: Baby happily goes down for afternoon nap, slap on the second coat of polish and relax for a bit before it's time to wake up baby and pick up daughter from pre-school.
Step 24: Daughter is home, snack in hand, laundry is all done... well, kind of, it's clean anyway -- piled up on the sofa. Baby is deeply engaged with plastic blocks -- TOP COAT TIME!
Step 25: While applying top coat, you notice that at least 70% of the nails have a smear or smudge. Hope that top coat hides that enough to be acceptable.
Step 26: Baby has made the mistake of reachong for 4 year old's chocolate milk. All hell breaks loose. There go the other 30%.
Step 27: Hubby comes home, no dinner is ready, laundry is piled up on sofa, baby has lump on forehead, 4 year old has chocolate milk on facem shirt, and recliner. Snack trash wrappers adorn the floor, you know your hair's just all fucked up. Your nails look like shit, you're also still in your PJs. Resolve to do something about this bullshit.
Step 28: Go change into cleaner, more appropriate clothes -- like yoga pants, instead of PJ pants. Don't bother to change tank top. Put hair in ponytail, slide on flip flops.
Step 29: Inform husband that you're leaving.
Step 30: Rob Christmas fund mason jar in kitchen.
Step 31: Drive over to walk-in salon.
Step 32: Get a damn mani-pedi combo.
And done!
